*****
A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."
contributed by, Raphael Negron, Geneva, Switzerland
*****
The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Contributed by Joe Acton
*****
On the day after his Master's victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this
very exclusive golf club.
He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, "I am sorry sir
but this club does not allow black people to enter. However, if you
would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3
wood down this road."
Tiger responds, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
The guard replies, "I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that
case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road."
contributed by Albert Antoco
*****
One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off
and it landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the
ball. Moses was next, he hit the ball into the water so he parted the
water and got his ball. Then the old man teed off it was heading for
the water too when a fish swallowed the ball. But before the fish
returned into the water a heron grabbed the fish and the heron flew over
the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for an ace. Then
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."
Contributed by Marian Tate
Also sent in by Brad Eckert of Wichita Falls, Texas
*****
Q: What is a golfer's favorite soft drink?
A: Slice
Contributed by, Sheetu Jain
*****
It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh s--t."
Contributed by, Jim Sealy
*****
A foursome of executives had a standing date every Saturday to play golf. As luck would have it, one
of the executives was transferred to another city. The man who came to take his place was also a golfer. The three that were left were delighted and invited him to take their friend's place on Saturday.
"What time do you tee off?" asked the new player.
The three replied, "At 9:00 a.m."
The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait for me. I'll be there."
Saturday came, and the new guy was waiting for them. They began their game, and this new guy proceed to beat the fire out of all of them. At the 19th hole, the original threesome asked if the new guy would play the next Saturday in order for them to get their money back.
"What time to you tee off?" asked the new player.
The three replied, "Same as today, at 9:00 a.m."
The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait on me. I'll be here."
The next Saturday, the new player was, once again, waiting on them when they arrived. They began playing, but this time the new player played LEFT HANDED, and proceeded to beat them even more soundly than the Saturday before.
At the 19th hole, the three said, "Man, we have NEVER seen anyone play as well as you. But tell us, how do you know from which side to play?
The new guy said, "It's very simple. When I get up on Saturday morning, if my wife is sleeping on her right side, I tee it up on the right. If she is sleeping on her left, I tee it up from the left."
"And what is she is sleeping on her back?" the threesome asked.
"Well, I'm ten minutes late!" said the new guy.
Contributed by, Jim Sealy
*****
A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since you've had a smoke?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he replied.
She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he
replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, "How long
has it been since you've played around?"
His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"
contributed by, Sue Teeters, Marshall, MI
*****
We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.
Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!
contributed by, Basil Lee
*****
A man and his gorilla are sitting in the club house when the club champion comes in.
"I'll bet you $500 per hole my gorilla can play better golf than you," says the man.
The champion looks at the man, looks at the gorilla, and says "You're on." And off they go to the first tee.
The first hole is a long par four over water. The man gives the champion the honors. The champion tees up and hits a beautiful drive straight up the middle, over the water, chipping distance from the green.
"Nice shot," says the man.
The gorilla then tees up, booms the drive onto the green, and into the hole! The champ picks up his ball and they head off to the next hole, a beautiful par five, along the creek with a slight dogleg left.
The gorilla tees up and booms another drive, drawing it just enough to land it on the green, inches from the pin. The champ, humiliated, concedes the hole and the match. They head back to the clubhouse.
As they settle the bet, the champ remarks how well the gorilla plays. "I've never seen anyone drive it as far. By the way, since he aced the first hole and I conceded match before finishing the second, I never got to see how he putts."
"Oh," says the man, pocketing his money, "he putts just exactly like he drives!"
contributed by, Greg Johnson
*****
After 45 years in the military, most of it in charge of an artillery division, the General finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired of hearing his complaints, told him to get a
hobby. He chose golf.
Never having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par four of 425 yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the General that he had to hit the ball to the flag.
The General lined up his shot, took a powerful swing and knocked the ball to just 2 inches from the cup. The aide was amazed.
As they left the teeing ground towards the green, the aide remarked how great the shot was, it "almost" went in the hole.
"Almost?" said the General. "What do you mean?"
"Well," explained the aide, "the object is to get the ball INTO the hole in as few strokes as possible."
Staring at the aide in disgust, the General screamed "Why, the hell didn't you tell me that before!!??"
contributed by, Greg Johnson
*****
A young woman, just after beginning her round was stung by a bee. After returning to the pro shop and telling the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.
"Where were you stung,?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replies.
"Well," said the pro, "first of all your feet are too far apart."
contributed by, J. Coble, Leola, Pa
*****
Three versions of this same joke were recently submitted. Here is the version I liked best:
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole.
He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.
Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
contributed by:
Glenda LaLiberte, Bellevue, Washington
I.M.A. Duffer
Rick Prosser
*****
After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a
beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young
beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her
apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
contributed by, Kevin Conway, Boston, MA