*****
Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di??
A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.
contributed by Rob La Rosa
*****
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
*****
A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers
in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the
single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the
single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the
19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there
and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment"
at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so
he goes to his refrigerator.
*****
The justice of the peace in a small town was about to tee off with two
other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed
like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson. But instead of being helpful
the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro
made a joke about the justice.
But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro
continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally
the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you
can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."
"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next
Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just
have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."
*****
Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost
ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."
*****
Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.
Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.
At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"
Joe looked up and said "What time?"
*****
A man is on holiday in Africa and is driving along in his jeep, when he comes upon a golf course. Happening to have his clubs with him, he decides to ask about whether he can play a round. Upon
inquiring, the pro tells him that it is quite all right, just so long as the man uses one of the local caddies. Having no problem with this, the man sets out accompanied by the caddie.
Everything is going OK until the 3rd fairway, when, all of a sudden, a lion runs out of the jungle towards the man. With this, the caddie suddenly pulls out a rifle and shoots the lion dead just before it reaches the man.
"I can see now why I need you!" exclaimed the man to the caddie.
Carrying on, they approached the 10th tee, when, suddenly, a leopard bounded towards the man from the undergrowth. Thankfully, once again, the caddie pulled out his rifle and kills the animal.
Thanking the caddie once again, they moved on.
Three holes later the man was about to play his putt on the 13th green when a crocodile came out of the greenside pond and promptly bit his leg off. Writhing around the green in agony the man angrily asked his caddie why on earth he didn't take his rifle out again, to which the caddie replied, "Sorry, but you don't get a shot on that hole, sir!"
*****
After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.
"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.
"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."
*****
Bob stood over his tee shot on the eighteenth hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look
down, look up, waggle, look down, look up, but would never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you ain't got a chance of hitting her from here."
*****
Four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, 'Has made
quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand
new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the first tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has
turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be very good at what he does because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."
Contributed by, Mark Miller Peachland, BC Canada
*****
A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse.
So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, "You've got to be the worst caddie alive!!" The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, "Nah, that'd be too much of a coincidence!"
Contributed by, Peter Cave