Some Pretty Good Golf Joke—and a few Not-so-Good Golf Jokes

Welcome to Mr. Golf Etiquette’s
Really Good Golf Jokes
PART I

E-Mail a joke to Mr. Golf Etiquette
*****
All his life, a most proper and dignified English Barrister widower, with a considerable income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain’s truly exclusive golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the area.
Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course.
The club’s secretary inquired, “Member ?” “No, sir.”
“Guest of a member?” “No, sir.”
“Sorry,” the secretary said.
As he turned to leave, the lawyer spotted a slightly familiar figure seated in the lounge reading the London Times. It was Lord Willoughby Parham.
The lawyer approached Lord Parham and, bowing low, said, “I beg your pardon, your Lordship, but my name is Higginbotham of the London Solicitor — Higginbotham and Barclay. I should like to ask your Lordship’s indulgence. Might I play this beautiful course as your guest?”
His Lordship gave Higginbotham a long look, put down his paper and his pipe and asked:
“Church?” “Church of England, sir, as was my late wife.”
“Education?” the elderly gentleman asked. “Eton, sir, and Oxford with a Blue and Honors.
“Sport?” “Rugby, sir, spot of tennis and number four on the crew that beat Cambridge.”
“Service?” “Brigadier, sir, Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross and Knights of the Garter.”
“Campaigns?” “Dunkirk, El Alemain and Normandy, sir.”
“Languages?” “Private tutor in French, fluent in German and a bit of Greek.”
His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the club secretary and said, “Nine Holes.”
*****
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”
“Somersaults,” says the man.
“Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?”
“Hmmm,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”
*****
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.” The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, “God dammit, I missed.” The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.” All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, “God dammit, I missed.”
*****
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, “Caddie, take my clubs on in, I’m going to jump into the water and drown myself.”
The caddie replied, “I doubt that, sir. You couldn’t keep your head down long enough to drown!”
*****
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. “Ah”, says St. Peter, “we’ve been expecting you. I’d like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you’ve lived a good life….BUT….I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the “F” word, didn’t you?”
“Yes”, says the man, “but it was only the one time.”
St. Peter said, “Well, I’ve been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances.”
So the man says, “Well, I said the “F” word when I was playing golf!”
St. Peter said, “Ohhhh, so you’re a golfer, are you? Well that DOES explain a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the “F” word.”
The man began to explain, “Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron…”
St. Peter said, “Ah, and THAT’s when you said the “F” word?”
The man replied, “Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball’s path…”
So St. Peter said, “You said the “F” word then, didn’t you?”
“Well, no,” the man continued, “just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green, where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball…”
A very agitated St. Peter asked, “The “F” word, you said it then, yes?”
The man replied, “Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup..”
To which St. Peter screamed, “YOU DIDN’T MISS THE F—ING PUTT, DID YOU??”
Many regards, Jacob Dahl, Denmark
*****
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”

*****
A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”
“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I need to do it every day.”
“That’s OK,” he said, “we’ll just play dog leg lefts.”

*****
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre’s nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “Lord, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.”
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball.” The preacher steps back, likes this heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing.” The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes his typical lunging, lurching practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Maybe you should use the old ball.”

*****
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, “It’s simple, you’re standing too close to your ball…………after you hit it”!

*****
A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, “When I was your age, I’d aim right over those trees and hit the green every time.” The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.
The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, “Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall.”
Contributed by Greg Albert, Tulsa, Ok
*****
Three friends were playing together one day on the course. The golfers ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for them to play through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three guys began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came around and was hailed down by the threesome who shouted, “We’re sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won’t allow us to play through!” The Marshall stated, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind.”
One of the three cried, “Oh, my God, I am so sorry to be so insensitive.” Another said to the marshall, “Oh wow, I am really embarrassed; sorry for bothering you.” The third shouted, “So why can’t they play at night!?”
Contributed by, Jay E. Schweitzer
*****
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to “tune up” his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him “Your problem is obvious Sir — it’s LOFT”.
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him “Your problem is still LOFT”. The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him “I’m sorry, but your problem is still LOFT”.
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, “I don’t understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?”
The pro looked at him and explained, “Lack Of F___ing Talent!”.

*****
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?” “Sure,” she replied. He went on to say, “I can’t reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?” “No problem,” she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.” To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.”

*****
A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared.
“This is terrific,” the man said. “Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?” he inquired. “Yes,” replied the genie, “But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater.”
So, the man thought and he finally said, “Make me the best golfer at the club.” The genie told him, “You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten times better.” “Okay,” he said, “Give me a million dollars.” The genie replied, “It is granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars.”
The genie said, “You have only one wish left, so use it wisely.” And the man replied, “Give me a slight heart attack.”

*****
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” And the caddie replied, “Eventually.”

Welcome to Mr. Golf Etiquette’s
Really Good Golf Jokes
PART II

E-mail a joke to Mr. Golf Etiquette
*****
FIRST WIFE’S LAMENT
One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
“Darling,” she started.
“Um,” he replied.
“If I died would you get married again?” she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you’d want me to be happy again, wouldn’t you?” he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
“Yes, I suppose,” she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
“Darling,” she started again.
“Um,” he replied.
“If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?”
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. “I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours.”
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
“Darling,” she once again started.
“Um,” he replied.
“Would you let her wear my shoes?”
This time without putting his book aside, he said, “Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes.”
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
“Darling,” she said, renewing the inquisition.
“Um,” he replied.
“Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?”
With no hesitation, he answered, “Of course not, she’s left-handed.”

*****
GOLFER’S HEAVEN
There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn’t miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. “John,” the angel said, for the man’s name was John.
“Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren’t you?” John asked.
“Of course I’m an angel. You don’t think I’d normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I’m your guardian angel,” the angel replied.
“Does that mean I get three wishes?” John asked.
“No, I’m a guardian angel, not a genie,” the heavenly being answered. “As you know, John, you’re getting on in years and you don’t have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can’t grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don’t you, John?”
“Oh yes and I’ve been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime,” John replied.
“Playing golf is like going fishing,” replied the angel. “There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” answered John. “I’ve often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?”
“Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I’ll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I’ll be back in about 20 minutes.”
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. “John,” the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. “Oh, you’re back.”
“Yes, John, I’m back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
“Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first,” responded John.
“Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren’t too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?” John wondered aloud.
“The bad news is you have a nine o’clock tee time tomorrow morning.”

*****
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway.
Instead of landing safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away. Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove’s back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the water when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace.
The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, “Do you want to play golf or do you want to screw around?”

*****
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first tee in front of the club house. The ball was sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”
The voice broke the man’s concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, “Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.” The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, “Would you please tell the gentleman in the club house that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?”

*****
Q: Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the course with him?
A: Just in case he gets a hole in one.

*****
Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
“Oh, that must have been terrible,” they said.
“Yes, it was,” said Bill. “All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred…”

*****
A fellow arrived at the course one day and decided to spend a few minutes on the practice green. As he putted around, he noticed another golfer putting a ball that somehow looked a little different, but he couldn’t put his finger on what the difference was. Being curious, he asked the other golfer about the ball.
“Oh,” he said, “it really IS a different ball. You know, if you hit it into the rough, it begins to beep, and you can just follow the sound right to it. If you happen to be playing near dusk, it lights up and you can see it from a good distance. And if you happen to hit it into a pond, it floats to the surface, a little propeller comes out of the side and it glides right over to the edge of the pond. Amazing, isn’t it?”
The first golfer replied, “It sure is…where can I get me one of those?”
The second golfer said, “Gee…I haven’t the foggiest notion…you see, I found this one…”

*****
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving a lie. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.” No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered, “I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!”

*****
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215 yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn’t the right club, “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.” Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I’m telling you, that’s not enough club!”
Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.” Jesus said, “This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.
About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, “What’s he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” “No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

*****
A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. “Hey, it’s the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!”

*****
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” The man said, “I don’t think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened.” “What was that?” asked his friend. The man replied, “I got a seven!”

*****
There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, “So, how did the caddie work out?” The man replied, “He was nice enough, but he couldn’t see far enough to follow the ball.” “I’m sorry,” said the starter, “Come back next week and I’ll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough.”
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. “Are you sure he can see?” asked the man. “Absolutely,” said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, “Did you see that?” “I sure did,” came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, “Well, where did my ball go?” The caddie replied, “I forget!”

*****
What’s the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?
The golfer says, “Whapp! Oh, Shit!” And the sky diver says, “Oh, Shit. Whapp!”

*****
There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, “Go up there and ask if we can play through!” So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and he hurried back without saying a word to them. “I can’t go up there. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask.” “Okay,” said the first man, and he started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he came running back without speaking to them. “Me too!!!” he said.

*****
There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there’s thirty minutes of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life in it for you!”
Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup.” The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup.” The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!”

Welcome to Mr. Golf Etiquette’s
Really Good Golf Jokes
PART III

E-mail a joke to Mr. Golf Etiquette
*****
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, “Do you live here?”
“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered.
The wife said, “Are you a genie?”
“Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself,” the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes…one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, “Done!”
The genie now said, “For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire.”
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?”
She replied, “3 years.”
The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”
To which she responded, “31 years old.”
The genie then asked, “How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

*****
So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titlist 1.”
“That was my ball,” the guy said.
“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.”
“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”

*****
A duffer, when asked about his game replied, “It’s a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it’s disgusting to watch.”

*****
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.
“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said from the ground, “and this is going to cost you $5,000.”
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell, ‘fore’.”
“I’ll take it!”, said the attorney.
*****
An avid golfer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and tells him that he has a tee time at Heaven’s replica course of Pebble Beach and that some of his old golfing friends are already at the tee waiting for him. Furthermore, he has a starting time the next morning at the replica of St. Andrews and that he can check in after that for his future starting times. He joins his old friends and has a fine day at Pebble. His golf is not perfect but he is striking the ball well, has back his old vigor, and is ready to go the next morning at St. Andrews. When he checks in the next day, St Peter inquires about his game and asks him if there is anything else that can be done to make his stay more enjoyable. “Well, St. Peter” says the golfer, “This is fantastic. If it hadn’t been for all that Oat Bran my wife had been feeding me, I could have been here 7 years ago.”

*****
HIS DAY IN COURT
“Okay, young man, let me hear your story again, from the beginning,” the judge said peering over his reading glasses. “You see, your honor,” the young man began, “I was playing golf. I was about 140 yards out from the green when a frog whispered from the rough, ‘Use an 8-iron.’ I thought I’d try what the frog said and used an 8-iron. I hit the ball onto the green and it rolled into the cup for an eagle.
Then the frog said, ‘Take me to Vegas.’
“What?” I said.
‘You heard me,’ repeated the frog, ‘take me to Vegas. I’m obviously a lucky frog and we’ll make a bundle!’ So we flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered to me, ‘Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line.’ I did as the frog said and we ended the evening over $100,000 ahead. I then took the frog upstairs to my room and the frog said to me, ‘Kiss me.’ I figured what the hell and I kissed the frog. When I did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen – deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and a terrific body.
“And I swear, your honor, that’s how I came to be in the room with that 16 year old girl.”

*****
ANOTHER FROG STORY
The elderly golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.
“Hey, mister,” the voice said.
He looked around and saw no one. He started to drop his ball along the ball’s line of flight as it went into the hazard.
“Hey, mister,” the voice said again.
He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking at the frog when it said, “Hey, mister.”
“Yeah? What do you want, frog?” he asked.
“Mister, I’m really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we’ll make wild passionate love for hours,” the frog said.
The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.
“Hey, mister,” the frog called, “aren’t you going to kiss me?”
The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, “No, I’m not going to kiss you. At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

*****
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.
Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth’s beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!”
“Well, thanks,” the man replied, “but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?”